Say goodbye to toxic

I used to think the phrase “cut toxic people out your life” made you sound bitter. Now I realise…it’s just a way of protecting yourself.

I go to therapy once a week, and seeing and realising that there are toxic traits within myself, has been a bloody hard pill to swallow. But slowly I’m changing things to help that.

You are the people you surround yourself most with, you are the books you read, and the movies you watch. You are the music you listen to. I take that very seriously now. I binge read feminism books, educational documentaries and hang out with my family most. I spend my free time running, or doing word searches, or speak/hang out with friends who make me happy. Bake cakes, and listen to David Bowie. My sisters are my best friends. My children make me laugh and smile everyday, and my fiancé deserves a golden globe, or maybe even a Nobel prize, for sticking by my side, through everything. I don’t have any type of trigger on my social media. People with issues have to fight that themselves. It’s not my place or job to be around that.

I’ve had to make drastic changes to my life. Over the last couple of years, slowly, I’ve made some pretty hard and extreme choices. Choices I do not regret because I know that, they’re for the best.

I’ve stopped all communication with a couple of family members. People will always say things like “you only have one mother/brother” but that doesn’t matter. It’s not your duty to carry toxic waste in your life. You are not in charge of someone else’s behaviour, or lifestyle choices, you are not an emotional punching bag. Chance after chance, year after year, tears and more tears, fake efforts here and there, I had enough.

You don’t deserve to feel small, or unworthy, or unwanted. You don’t deserve continuous abuse in any part of your life. Emotional or physical, that shit isn’t ok. And at the age of 27, I’ve only just really understood this. I’ve let drama, and toxic people/behaviour walk all over me for far too long. And I will not tolerate it anymore. I thought I was crazy for a long time. But being at therapy, and hearing my therapist, tell me it’s not me, it’s them. Has been, no exaggeration, life changing for me.

I love a good challenge. And that, mixed with a ton of empathy, has always led me, to try and change people. There is nothing you can do, to change someone. You are not in control of them. They are releasing hurt, bitterness and their issues out on you. That’s their problem not yours.

You will start to doubt yourself. Because people don’t usually have the courage, to put themselves first, and get rid of anything or anyone that’s suffocating your mental health. But you know in yourself, you know in your gut, what you can and can’t have in your life. Distance yourself, block out all forms of communication, social media, numbers etc. You owe yourself, peace. If your family or friends are not on board with you, then perhaps they are not strong enough to let go, or it’s too difficult for them. That’s fine, again, you can only control things for yourself.

But tell them, that they are in control of their personal boundaries, and that this is going to help you grow and be mentally healthy.

You deserve to feel happy!

Advertisements

Snitches

Since Florence has moved on from infant school up to Junior school, you can really notice a difference within her whole school year.

They’ve all grown up so much. It’s bittersweet watching all of them flourish into bigger children. But one thing, I’ve noticed a lot (Not all) of them doing is : not telling teachers, friends, parents about other children doing or saying ‘naughty’ things.

Snitches get stitches” Flo said to me the other day. “Um… I don’t think so I don’t like that phrase!” I replied. Of course she had probably heard it from another child at school. Maybe one of the older kids in the years above, and no, I don’t think a child would actually mean the stitches part! But, the message hiding behind that phrase, doesn’t sit well with me.

How am I supposed to help my daughter out if she doesn’t tell me what’s on her mind?

How am I supposed to be there for her, when I have no idea as to what’s going on?

How are Flo’s teachers, friends, and family supposed to support and care for her, if she doesn’t tell any of us what has happened?

Don’t be a dobber” is another saying that was thrown around at my school. It was the ‘uncool’ thing to do. Telling on someone, made you a nerd. Or a teachers pet.

And unfortunately, this sort of ‘not telling’ behaviour continues into adulthood.

When it comes to teaching our children lessons in life, we tend to contradict ourselves a lot. At home I’ll say things like “oh come on Flo, Rex is young leave it alone” when she’s trying to tell me about him doing something wrong. And that is totally wrong of me, and we’ve recently talked it out. I apologised to her. Children hearing adults are wrong sometimes is important. I won’t do it again.

In the future, if something bad ever happened to Florence, (hopefully not *crosses all fingers and toes*) I’d want her to have the courage to tell me. I’d want her to speak out against the other person. I’d want her to be brave enough to know that telling someone the truth, no matter how scary, no matter how much the other person threatened her, it would be the right thing to.

I feel like this attitude of children ‘telling’ on others is damaging for everyone. If your child is doing something bad or naughty at school. Don’t assume the other child is just ‘telling tales’ address the situation calmly and listen to both sides. The person speaking up, isn’t necessarily the bad guy.

Throughout my childhood I was raised to keep my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut about a lot of emotional and physical abuse that myself and other people endured. I don’t want my children ever thinking that way, is the only way. Because it simply isn’t.

I’m 27 now, and I still don’t have the courage to speak about some things. That’s not healthy. And no one deserves to feel that way.

Let’s not bottle things up. Let’s talk and speak out. Let’s call out inappropriate behaviour. Let’s scream this out, especially to our girls. And let our sons know, that girls are human beings with feelings, just like them.

My New year resolution

It’s a new thing for me. Taking these resolutions seriously, because last years resolution, I actually did keep it up! Purchasing second hand clothing for myself, for a whole year. woo (I will continue doing so too). So last night I had a good hard think… what was going to be my ‘stick to it’ thing for 2019?

Apart from the obvious little bits like, working hard on my blog, and using my reusable coffee cup at Costa Coffee, and not eating meat, I wanted to set the bar higher, like I did in 2018 and do something a little more challenging.

I’m going to say the word ‘no’ more often.

Now..

you’re probably thinking….

is that it?

But, saying the simple word ‘no’ is quite powerful.

Especially if you’re a woman. A people pleasing woman, who at times feels as though they have no identity as a stay at home mum.

If I don’t want to go out to a certain place, I’ll politely say “no”.

If I don’t want to respond to a text message/phone call or email, I won’t do it.

If I don’t want to buy my children the magazine they’re throwing a wobbler over, I’m going to say “no”.

If I suddenly get crippling social anxiety whilst I’m out, I will be kind to myself and leave.

If someone asks me to do themselves a favour, which isn’t possible or practical I will say “no”.

If I don’t like something, feel awkward, or have a bad gut feeling about it, I simply won’t put myself into that situation anymore.

I don’t need to speak to people who do not support me, help me grow as a person, or who are not kind to myself or my children. I don’t need to have toxic people (blood relative or a friend) in my life. I have only just come to terms with the fact that, SOME people, no matter who you are, or what you do, won’t ‘get you’ or understand what your life choices may be. And that’s fine.

Because I (nor do they), need me in their lives.

I want to be the least intelligent/open minded person in a room full of people. So that I, with their help can learn and grow even more.

I want to read many books and give even more love to my children. And learn to love myself fully.

I don’t need to laugh along with jokes I do not find funny.

I don’t need to agree with something someone says to fit in.

I don’t need to maintain pointless relationships. That being on social media or in real life. I don’t have to people please, even for my fiancé or my children.

So..

That’s my 2019 stick with it thingy. What’s yours?

Alex