27.10.18

To the man who has picked me off the floor from sobbing, to the man that has been there for me since circa 2005. To the man that has always loved me, given me two beautiful children, to the man that has let me sleep in every morning, made me a cup of coffee before I wake up, tell me I’m beautiful everyday, listen to me rant about how much I hate sexism, allowed and backed me up to raise our children with gender neutral values, to the man who has been a brilliant hands on step father, to the man who puts up with me being a snappy tired bitch, to the man who has always been my best friend, given me a feeling and a sense of calm and ‘home’. I said YES 😢❤️ (in love with my vintage engagement ring) you’re the best @mitchletissier”

A lot of people have asked me how Mitchell proposed, so I thought it would be easier to post a blog about it! It’s super weird because, I was most excited about telling you guys, the people who read my blogs and give me opportunities, that once upon a time I never thought I deserved or could achieve.

When Mitch and I first moved in together. Things were pretty tight with money. Mitch basically lived off corn flakes and I would plan and prepare everything we had to eat for the week. Making sure Florence never missed out on her clubs, hobbies etc. We wouldn’t have any snacks, we couldn’t afford it. But once the ball started rolling, things got a bit easier. But still, takeaways and things like that were a total luxury that we simply couldn’t afford. We had both left our homes and started a new one in a different city. It was hard.

So to make things feel more special, we would have picnics in our lounge, and eat whatever we were having that night. Surrounded by candles.

We both couldn’t care less. Because, as cheesy as it may sound. We had each other.

I don’t care if this comes across as boastful, because it’s true. The love we have is so powerful and rare. We know each other inside out. I’d rather die than be without him. It’s not been easy, summer 2016 we broke up. We both had mental breakdowns and things got messy. I even told him to “fuck off and die”. And, you know what? I actually meant it at the time. My heart, along with his, had been ripped out and thrown onto the road, and had been run over by a truck carrying 30 elephants. (Didn’t actually happen just felt like that no elephants were harmed during that made up scenario).

But. Us being us, we got through it. We over come everything. I mean EVERYTHING. And I think a lot of people are quite jealous of that. I would be. If I didn’t have that kind of love.

Us 100 years ago. Dropped my phone down toilet that night. 😩. anyway! ……

So. Things have gotten better with money. We actually eat now. Yay. And we probably have a lot more takeaways than we really should do! Oops. And because of that, we hadn’t done the lounge picnic in a very long time 3 or 4 years.

But on Friday, Mitch decided we should have a lounge picnic. Again, like old times, surrounded by candles. As I’m a veggie now, I had vegan burgers with sweet potatoes fries, and he had beef burgers. The food was GOOD (shout out to Sainsbury’s for their vegan burgers. You guys did good) we talked about everything and anything. We talked about all the scary, happy, sad, embarrassing, heartbreaking things we had gone through together. We spoke about our first kiss at 13, we spoke about how confident he is now compared to back then. We spoke about losing Bobby, (our cat that had to be put down) he sobbed his eyes out holding her. We spoke about our children and how perfect they are.

And then he told me how much he loved me, and that he always had done since 2005. And how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

And before he even asked.

I said yes. I burst into tears. It was perfect.

I love you babe.

Till death do us part.

BRB on the phone to Lady Gaga asking if she will play at my wedding. I mean our wedding.

Xxxx

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My favourite songs

If you were to scroll through my iTunes, you’d think I were some old man. Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of music. Different kinds. Some cool. Some not so cool. Mitch calls me a ‘music snob’ but I’d disagree.

Here are my all time favourite songs.

Amy Winehouse – Just friends

Before she starts singing I cry. This song has and always will move me. When Amy sings she tells a story. And some parts of the song I can really relate to. I’m not the type of person to fall in love easily but, when I do, I fall really hard. And I hurt really hard. And I can feel all of this in this song. It does remind me of a past fling. We’re on good terms now, but there’s a nice feeling of ‘so happy that pain is over’.

Bowie – Rebel Rebel

As someone who feels more comfortable wearing men’s clothing, but loves to have a full face of makeup and messy hair. This song..well it’s basically me isn’t it?? I love Bowie so much it hurts. And there are so many songs I love to scream each word a long to, but Rebel Rebel is my ultimate fave.

Digital Witness – St. Vincent

I love this song because it reminds me not to take life so seriously. Sometimes I can get worked up about my social media, with blogging, and I reminds me that it’s not all real. And that we are all far too obsessed with ourselves but also what everyone else is up too. St. Vincent is ahead of our time. And she is the female Bowie in my opinion.

Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles

This is one of my fave songs to sing, whilst doing the house work or in Mitch’s car. It’s quirky and cute. Based off a woman and a liquor store in Bristol. It’s easy to listen to and gets me in a happy mood.

The Who – My Generation

“I hope I die before I get old”. When I’m old and miserable I’ll pop this on to take a chill pill. We were all young once (I still am) and the young deserve the right to be loud and reckless and have a good time. It’s a part of growing up. It’s better to have a mindset of “oops shouldn’t have done that oh well” than “I wonder what would’ve happened if I went to that party”. My sisters and I threw the best house parties, and operation clean up the next day (we kicked ass) most of the time we got away with it. And when we didn’t, oh well it was totally worth it. I want all my children to have wild house parties. Some of the best days of your lives.

Lady GaGa – Born this way

This song just came out, after Florence was born. I felt like my identity had been stripped away because I became a mother so young. But, this song and album reminded me that I am my own person. And that what was meant to be will be. I feel like I’m growing up with Gaga. And I love seeing her talent and life unfold. And I love looking back on mine, becoming what it was meant to be. I feel good.

Mum guilt

Monday is our ‘chill out day’. We drop Florence off to school, head home, turn tv on and the babies go off and play with their toys. We do a lot in the week and I think it’s important to chill every now and then. But still.. my anxiety eats me up.

As the kids play with their toys, I’m thinking ‘am I on my phone too much?’

I had a really good conversation with another mum last week, about the expectations we place upon ourselves as parents. In most cases : 50% of the time you’re an ok parent, 25% brilliant and another 25% shit. That sounds about right for me. And I need to accept that, it’s ok.

What you see on social media is bollocks. I know people who spend most of their time, shouting at their little shits, but will pretend they’ve had the most magnificent time while food shopping, baking, anything simple or even being away on holiday. (As if your child’s behaved the whole entire trip, who are you kidding?? ) This is not only damaging for themselves but it is for us too. Why can’t we cut out the crap? I hate fake. I hate pretend. That’s why I spend most my time slagging off my kids on Instagram. Because even though I love them so much that I would die for them, they bloody do my head in.

The truth is, no one knows what they’re doing. And I believe if you are spending a lot of your time worrying. You are in fact a good parent.

The worst bit of my own mum guilt is not spending every weekend with my first born. I’m with the other two 7 days a week, and she’s with her dad on weekends. This kills me. I know she enjoys and likes being with him. And would most likely choose to go off with him than me, but still I always have this deep inner, gut wrenching guilt within me. I feel like I can’t have 100% fun without her. I feel bad for having a nice day out without her. I need to learn to control and let go of this. But for now I’ll sit and over think about it until I get a headache.

Let me know what your mum guilt is?

Alex. X