I’ve not been myself recently. Even though my blogging stats and all that boring stuff is still going ok. My ‘mumbo jumbo’ to get going with everyday tasks/blogging has stopped.
After spending a weekend in Guernsey with family, I feel a bit better. And have felt a push, to finally say something. I’m not sure the people who’ve gotten to me, will ever read this. But, I’m going to put out how I feel in writing, to make myself feel a little better.
Here’s the thing. It’s you not me and it’s your problem not mine, After a few weeks of intense anxiety (I still have it really bad as I type) I really have had enough of your crap. I’m not sure why but, this cycle of bitterness that keeps churning, keeps smacking, keeps hurting and hurling me in the face/mind/soul has taken it’s toll on me.
This is how I’m going to make things better for myself : I’m going to be more selfish. And I’m going to be more realistic and also set boundaries. I need to stop comfort eating, but I also need to cut myself some slack.
I no longer think or feel I deserve to feel this pain. And that’s why things are going to change. For so long, if drama followed me I just expected it, because growing up in a confrontational environment, it’s what I expected, almost. For a while, I just thought this is the ‘norm’. And if someone were to upset me I’d lash out. So over the last year I made a effort to not ‘lash out’. I fought so hard to not fallout with people, that I stopped sticking up for myself. I let my boundaries tumble down. And I let people walk all over me. I didn’t think my feelings were worthy enough. I just felt, I deserved it.
Now I know that isn’t the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to run around throwing my shoes at people, (Cardi B style) but I will have something to say if someone hurts my feelings, or goes out of their way to just be rude.
If someone continues to display toxic behaviour, they will be cut out of my life. I am an empath, people off load their upset/feelings onto me because they trust me, or feel comfortable speaking to me, (which I don’t mind) but eventually I explode with emotion, I have a lot on my plate as it is, and holding onto everyone else’s pain really weighs me down. I just don’t know how to cope with it properly and it doesn’t end well. Because of this I always feel bad and let people linger about like a bad smell you just can’t get rid of. It’s time to febreeze those motherfuckers away!
There are a handful of people who keep hurting me. One of them is unfortunately a relative of mine (which has given me such conflicting emotions because of being related) it doesn’t matter if they are or not. How they’ve always treated me, has been so poor and unacceptable. I know in myself I need to let go once and for all. So here I am, finally respecting myself and being selfish.