Just like depression, admitting you have been or go to therapy can be scary. But there’s nothing to be ashamed about. Seeking or wanting help, is such a brave thing to go and do.
Last year, I was at my worst mentally. I had hit a wall, my brain was telling me I needed fixing and if I wasn’t going to go and get help, then I would be stuck in this dark, low place. So I did just that. As I had just had Rex, italk therapy was available to me very quickly. I was asked a list long of questions, asking me such things as ‘on a scale of one to ten are you’ and so on. As my scores were quite high they were very concerned and arranged an appointment straight away.
I didn’t know what to expect. You see in the movies, that the person going through therapy tends to lay down on a leather sofa, recalling what they went through that day. But this therapy I was going through was called Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of psychotherapy that can be used to treat OCD, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, PTSD, depression and many other disorders. CBT can be quite distressing, bringing up the past is never easy but to see it drawn out and explained in detail is tough.
It was made clear, quite quickly that this wasn’t a phase or a period, I had always been depressed. Realising this was a huge weight lifted off of me. Getting into a mindset of “right let’s take this day by day” instead of “how do I get rid of this depression pronto!?” Got me into a better rhythm/place with my depression. I am very in and out of it I go through rough periods, like just recently. But thanks to therapy I have learnt how to cope with it.
A few things I learnt whilst being in therapy :
- Sometimes it is YOUR fault. I’m not perfect, I already knew that. But at times I didn’t see where I was going wrong, and when you retrace your steps and take a long think about your actions, sometimes it takes that long think/talk to realise it was you all along. Do not be ashamed good things happen when you make mistakes and learn from them.
- And sometimes it’s THEIR fault: I needed to learn that I can’t change people, I can’t change the way they think, and I can’t change their past. As a mother, I sometimes wanted to mother other people. I can’t do that they need to learn on their own paths. I can’t change the way others think: that ones painful to me still, I wish everyone was as open minded as me, but they aren’t. Simples.
- It’s ok to ask for help: I always felt like asking for help was weak. I pride myself on being one of those ‘get on with it’ sort of people. But even I need help every now and then.
- Certain people are bad news for me: When I was brought back, to certain situations and thoughts, the same people would be brought up. I’m a huge optimist, sometimes too much of it, and my head was always giving these people another chance when my heart/gut screamed NO. I now no longer do that. I distance myself from those people and I’ve never been happier. Recently something happened that would’ve usually really upset me, but I wasn’t even that bothered it was amazing.
I am so thankful, for the friends and family around me. I have never felt more accepted and loved in my life. I am more confident. I am happier. Of course I have my down days, my low mood comes back with a vengeance every now and then, unfortunately. But I get straight back up. My Mum labelled me ‘formidable’ and I can’t help but think it’s true. I am a mental health warrior, a survivor, you can’t stop me. I know that pains some people, and I love it.
Since blogging a lot of lovely things have happened, and it’s only the beginning. Focusing on this has made me so happy. I can’t wait to see what next year brings! Eek.
I’m turning 26 tomorrow. Here’s to another year of ME ME and ME hahaha. *sips tea*