7 things I’ll never understand 

 

Apart from the fricken’ obvious : Racists , Homophobes , Twatish things similar to that. Here are the seven things I will NEVER understand. WARNING : may offend! As everyone gets offended by everything these days. 

Number 1 

White denim – I just can’t. It’s bad enough in the summer, but when someone has the audacity to wear white denim in the winter you have to question their sanity. White denim will always remind me of : Preeteens getting wasted late at night in their local park. I don’t know why but I cannot erase that thought. It gets a big fat no from me. 

Number 2 

Hockey – I’m not talking about ice hockey as that’s a little more interesting. I’m talking about that stupid pointless game, where you’re bent over (causing unnessacary back pain) whacking an inappropriately heavy tiny ball with a shit version of a broom stick. Bore off. 

Number 3 

Robbie Williams – He shouts he doesn’t sing. This Man (for me personally) has to be the most over rated pop singer of all time. Whatever song he sings I just hear the words “RudeBox”. He also has a very creepy sleazy personality. I must say his Wife comes across very charming though. 

Number 4 

Football – I’ve tried I’ve really tried. And I don’t think it’s the actual sport itself it’s the culture of it. The swearing, the aggressive nature, the sexism. I ain’t buying it. The fact these Men get paid so much, and yes I know it’s not down to them personally but still… it’s sickening. I think they are gifted/talented people but nobody deserves that much dollar for kicking a sphere object into a net. 

Number 5   

Rich people lusting over working class culture – I feel like.. no matter where you come from in life, you have to own it and be proud. If you’re lucky enough to be born into a rich family own your privilege and accept it. I see far too many rich ‘Made in Chelsea’ type folks posing in their retro Adidas in front of council estates, for the odd fact that they think it’ll look ‘cool’ on Instagram. No offence mate… you look like a twat.  

 Number 6 

Pet owners that refer themselves as ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’ – PETA LOOK AWAY NOW! Look yeah… I think it’s nice you love and care for your pet so much. I’d much rather see you adore your pet than treat it badly.  I think it’s always sad and upsetting seeing an animal suffering on those horrific adverts on TV. But there’s a difference between caring/loving and appreciating your pet and taking it to a whole extreme : Making out they’re your kids. I’m sorry it creeps me out and I can’t stand it. These ‘dog weddings’ and salon days people arrange for their furry beings is bloody strange. You’ve all gone barking mad. Ha see what I did there. 

Drum roll……the last one 

Number 7 

Brexit – I mean…what the fuck were you thinking? Really? In a world where there’s so much hate and anger right now, why cause even more division? Why go and gamble something you really have no clue about? Why listen to Lord Voldermort and the Joker? Who by the way jumped ship and hid as soon as it were announced ‘leave’ won the vote. Never listen to a bunch of snakes who vilify immigrants. Because it won’t ever work. I am so pleased that I am able to tell my children one day that I voted remain. 

Love Alex 

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Teenage Pregnancy : The highs and lows – Part two 

 
When we announced that we had named our daughter ‘Florence’ the uproar was hideous from certain family members and friends. I think it was their way of unleashing their disappointment/anger/shock on us becoming parents so young. But it was another thing for us to be anxious and upset over, it wasn’t fair on us at all. 

Getting out and about with little Flopsy was quite challenging. When you become a Mum for the first time, changing nappies out in public seems like a huge deal. I was also breastfeeding Florence and as a young Mum the thought of whacking my baps out in front of randoms was enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and stay inside my house. But I had to do it and once I started getting into the habit of feeding in public it became natural. When you have a newborn baby you over think everything “am I doing that right!?” Pops up in your head every 1.5 seconds. Showering by yourself seems like a Bear Gryll’s worthy mission, I used to drag Florence’s Moses basket into the bathroom whilst she was screaming her head off, then raced into shower and scrubbed like a mad woman. Putting Florence down for a little bit was always a huge challenge for me I didn’t like her crying I thought I was a terrible parent for putting her down for five seconds, I would hold her whilst going to the toilet which is so stupid looking back now but you can’t help it. 

At a young age it was hard for me to learn and also accept that I had become a Mumma, let alone my friends. I can remember the first night out I had after having Florence. I was still feeding her so I had to express which I really struggled with , not the usual pre night out routine I was used to. I felt rushed doing my hair, rushed doing my face which didn’t put me in the mood to party one bit. As I was out all I kept doing was checking my phone to see if I had gotten any texts from my parents (to say if Florence was struggling without me or whatever) I wasn’t really living in the moment and I wished I hadn’t bothered really. 

When you have a child so young, people around you tend to place you in the stereotype of young mums : on benefits, not a good parent, careless etc but the one thought and judgement I couldn’t stand was being ‘poor’. When I visited the health visitors to have Florence weighed and checked this was at 10/11 months, they assumed I couldn’t afford much food as she hadn’t put weight on. Which is so insulting and being young I didn’t have the courage to tell them that (would tell them where to go now without hesitation!) shortly after that they asked us what our plans were for the week so I told them we were headed to Disney Land Paris for a couple of days – which they then replied “how can you afford that?” WTAF why would anyone think that’s an ok thing to ask?! 

Every now and then you hear these stories circulating the internet of “I had to tell this young Mum she was doing a good job” I find this so patronising just because that parent was young and doing a good job shouldn’t have been shocking to you! Why is it we are so focused on age when it comes to parenting? I know so many parents who I personally wouldn’t rate highly and they’re in their late 30s/40s/50s yet I know lots of young mums and dads that I think are incredible. Stereotyping people is stupid and closed minded but when it comes to parenting it’s really damaging and puts bad thoughts into young parents heads, we are already putting up with the stigma we don’t need you thinking that we aren’t mature or wise enough to deal with our children. No I don’t know everything and I still won’t on the day that I die but I do know that I love my kids so much that it physically hurts me sometimes : the worrying, the late nights cuddling and settling, listening to their mediocre problems about which play doh makes them less pleased.. I’d do anything for my children. 

So next time you see a young Mum on the street wondering around with a buggy probably by herself, go and smile at her go and give her a wave. This will make her day trust me. 

Teenage pregnancy : The highs and lows- Part one 

  

At 13 years of age I was acting like a 30 year old. I was out clubbing most weekends, drinking having the time of my life. 

Looking back I should’ve cherished being younger a lot more, by not wanting to grow up so quickly. I was eager to try and do anything and everything new as quick as possible. I had been away and seen a lot, mostly all down to my parents who worked hard to give those experiences to myself and my sisters. So I was always one of those kids who thought they knew it all. 

When you’re a teenager you really do not know it all. And that was quickly all made very clear to me, when I fell pregnant at the young age of 18. If you were to ask anyone who I went to school or college with they’d probably tell you I was the least likely person they knew, to fall pregnant and become a Mother so young. Not because I was a responsible person that oozed with class and grace, but because I was wrapped up in my own little world getting hammered five times a week pretending to be happy and taking hideous drunk selfies as if it were for a living. 

I was at my friend Zoe’s house when I showed her my stomach (at the time I had no clue I was pregnant) I asked her what she thought was going on because I was extremely bloated. She told me to take a pregnancy test, and at first I thought she was being ridiculous, because I had the implant in my left arm and there was absolutely no way I was pregnant at 18, I had a night out planned that very night and that was all that was going through my mind at the time “well what’s this thing going to do when I’m getting drunk later” I thought to myself. I sat and waited in Zoe’s bathroom she knocked on the door I let her in and we both just stared into each other’s eyes in disbelief there were two fucking lines. 

I was so scared to tell my parents especially my Dad. I walked home ever so slowly unsure of what to say to my Mum. I just blurted it out right away and she was in total shock. I laid in bed wide eyed trying to process all of this as calmly as I could. Admittedly I was still pissed off I wasn’t able to go out drinking! That’s how immature I was. I thought about having an abortion but I knew that it would really mess with my head and that I couldn’t do it. (DO NOT JUDGE THOSE THAT DO IM PRO CHOICE). I phoned Spencer and he thought it was all a joke “NO you are gonna be a dad I mean it” and he hung up the phone, to then phone back five mins later “are you being fucking serious Alex this isn’t funny” I can’t remember where he was when I told him over the phone (probably drunk in the bar/club I was meant to be at). Finally all of our friends and family knew (really didn’t take that long) it felt like the whole world was talking about it. My Pregnancy was talked about openly on Facebook, Facebook messenger, text , phone call, twitter – that’s not a nice feeling, this was my life and my baby’s! It was spoken about as if it were the bombshell of the century/the juiciest gossip ever. Even though there was all this noise circling around me I felt very alone and didn’t leave my Mums house much. I stared out of my bedroom window most days ridden with anxiety thinking about what it would feel like jumping out the window and hitting the concrete floor below. 

I started texting my old friends Mitchell (now my boyfriend) and Alex about it all they were both very shocked but also supportive. I depended on those two to lift me up through text. I wasn’t doing this alone Spencer was by my side but he was going through that ‘peter pan’ phase he was out most nights getting real drunk and I don’t blame him he was still young himself even if he was a few years older. We have both grown up so much since then and Spencer has stepped up big time. 

The time had come I was past my due date by two weeks so I had to go into hospital for them to try and kick start the labour. It was nice to have another lady in same room as me I finally had some company who knew exactly what I was going through. We exchanged magazines and talked about our fears, she told me she was petrified by the thought of not straightening her hair before the labour had begun, which threw me a little there were more things to be getting concerned about love! But I guess neither of us could truly comprehend what was about to happen. When I woke up the next morning she had gone I assumed she had given birth in a different room whilst I was fast asleep and that was the last I had seen or heard of her. The nurse walked into my room and said that I was next to be taken down to labour ward to kick start my labour so I frantically phoned Spence and my mum and they made their way to hospital as quickly as they could. 
First up I had to have my waters forcefully broken as they wouldn’t break naturally. This is an odd experience making a smear test feel like a stroll in the park. I inhaled gas and air with hesitation as I had no idea what it was going to feel like, but it’s exactly the same as doing balloons. So as I was flying through the sky above I was quickly interrupted with a massive gush of dirty water that went everywhere! as baby was two weeks over due she had already started pooping inside of me AND eating it! so yeah I’ll leave you to imagine the delightful mess all over my legs and bed. As the day went on nothing really happened, I was having painful contractions throughout the afternoon but nothing was happening fast enough. I knew I was going to have a c section but as it’s such a major operation (which most people tend to see as the glamorous way out when it fucking isn’t) they don’t really want to use it as an option until the very end. The afternoon then turned into evening and I was getting tired and baby was getting panicky so they finally decided to go ahead with emergency c section. 

Spencer chose the pink overalls to try and cheer me up something I’ll never forget! But I was way too nervous to be thinking about anything else, I was about to become a Mother and a little person was going to be depending on me FOREVER. I didn’t quite believe it, I felt so nauseous with all the drugs in my body that I couldn’t stop shaking I looked like I was having a fit it was awful. During the operation I could start to feel the pain so they had to quickly top up the drugs going into my body which made me feel ice cold and even more dizzy, I also lost a lot of blood which was the icing on the cake really! 

But all of that didn’t matter, not for now anyway because I could finally hear my daughter crying for the first time, she was handed over to Spencer screaming the room down. I’ll never forget our first reaction to hearing this we both turned to one another and said : 

 “but how do we stop her from crying?” 

The Men who inspire me 

Is there anything more sexier than a man who is Feminist? Answer : NO 

Here are some of the Men who inspire me, because you know equality and all that, it’s only fair I praise these great Men too. In no particular order :  
 
RuPaul 

As soon as RuPaul was born, his Mother announced that one day he would be a ‘star’ and she was bang on. RuPaul is the ultimate drag queen who can walk in eight inch heels! Gulp. RuPaul is such an inspiration for the LGBT community, he is an icon because he stands up for equality, and inspires the community being free to express himself through drag. I love RuPaul’s drag race, it’s the best thing on TV and I’m so jealous of those beautiful Queens. 

 
Jeremy Corbyn 

My prime minister ! I haven’t just jumped on the Corbyn band wagon, I’ve been following him for a long time. Jeremy Corbyn has a heart of gold, he cares about the less fortunate and just like with Princess Diana you know  it’s real, because he lives to help and stand up for the poor. He has always protested and stood up for what’s right, he deserves to be our leader and in my mind he is mine. 
 

The one and only : David Bowie 

Sigh. This still hurts. And no I’m not being dramatic, a legend , a true artist who died shortly after making more art. I remember the night before Bowie passed away I had the worst nights sleep, I told Mitchell the next morning to not wake me up unless it was an emergency…Shortly after falling asleep he barged through the door saying “I’m sorry but I have to tell you David Bowie has died” and I just mouthed the word ‘no’ and burst into tears. Music died that day, anyone who knows me well enough knows that Bowie has always been a big love of mine. I thank Bowie for telling gender norms where to go, before fame Bowie walked around Brixton in dresses and a full face of makeup. Bowie has always stood up for equality and taught us all that gender has no boundaries, live life how you want and be you. His music will always be the greatest of all time and we will never ever see or hear anyone of the same level of musicality. I had to make one of my sons middle names ‘Bowie’. 

 
Stephen Hawking 

The most incredible thing about Stephen Hawking is that, he can explain the most confusing scientific theory to us simpletons and make it easy for us to understand. That takes a pure/rare kind of intellect in my opinion. Stephen Hawking is inspiring because intelligence is a wonderful thing that should be always be praised and admired especially when it’s of his level. He also has a very witty personality and cheeky sense of humour, which makes him even more lovable. 
 
Iggy Pop 

Iggy iggy iggy ! At 70 years of age he is still so rock and roll. Iggy has no shame in wearing women’s clothes because he says “there’s nothing shameful about women”. He has always lived his life being totally authentic, with a ‘fuck it’ attitude my kind of person. 

 

My beautiful Rex 

I never thought I’d have a son, I was convinced I’d only ever have girls. So when I found out I was having a boy, I was a little shocked and didn’t know what to expect. This is what I’ve learned so far : My Son is very loving with a sweet/kind nature, who loves giving me kisses (borderline snogs) and gorgeous cuddles. He always has a cheeky grin on his face and brightens up my day. I love my children equally but their individual personalities give out and radiate different qualities which I cherish, and Rex really has brought me the gift of positivity he’s always happy and that’s very inspiring to me. Keep being you Rex Bowie Scout the world is a better place with you here. 

The insults that have made me stronger 


I’ve had my fair share of insults thrown at me over the years, partly my fault (mainly their fault). But sometimes an insult can be a good thing, Sometimes they make you re-think your actions and sometimes they offer you a clear view of who that person actually is. 

Insults are easy to use but once they’re out there in the open, there’s no taking them back. We all say things in the heat of the moment, but insults tend to be what that person has thought of you, from the very beginning. 

So pay close attention to the words that person has used, perhaps it’ll give you some clarity on your so called ‘friendship’ or ‘relationship’. 

Here are some of my all time favourite insults, I can’t possibly write them all out as we’d be here all night! 
Feminazi 

I’m not at all offended by being called a ‘Feminazi’ I actually find the insult rather amusing. It’s creative, and topical as I am very passionate about Feminism. If my opinions or thoughts on feminism really upset you then you’ll probably find you are part of the problem. I want things to be better for all of us that’s not a crime nor a threat to men, and if you see it that way then I’m sorry for your fragile masculinity. 

Psycho 
I mean.. what woman hasn’t been called this? It’s the new ‘crazy cat lady’ isn’t it? Women tend to have more empathy than Men (not all the time) and we like to express ourselves, so if having emotions  makes us ‘psycho’ then so be it! 

Opinionated

This isn’t an insult but people tend to use it against others, when they lack in personality. To say “you’re too opinionated” makes no sense. Because we are all opinionated whether it comes down to something simple as : what clothes we wear to what food we eat, we would all need an opinion to back those things up. 

Fat

Yawn. Try harder next time. I can always change how much I weigh, but you can’t change your dull way of thinking. Fortunately I’ve only had this used against me by a Boy and looking back now, I’ve realised he only used that word because thats what he assumed I’d get upset by. I don’t like hearing women (or shall we say girls) calling another fat, uplift one another because when a women gives you a compliment it tends to stick with you for longer. 

Narcissist 

Well unless you’re a qualified person I won’t take this one to heart. I think people get confused with this slur because they tend to think it just means you’re self obsessed/ in love with yourself (I’m only one of those things) when actually it’s a full on disorder. So yeah thanks for trying to be clever but you haven’t managed to trick me into thinking I’m an evil person this time round. 

Lazy parent 

I’ll admit this one hurt. Being attacked on my parenting will always be the one thing that knocks me back a little. But what I’ve learnt over the last couple of years is that the people who do judge you on your parenting are actually the ones who’re very insecure about their own. We are all in the same boat trying to keep a float with a trillion holes inside, the last thing any of us need is someone making hurtful accusations, especially when they actually do not know you or spend time with you or your children. It’s easy to look inward on someone else’s life and think we know it all but none of us do. I like this insult because it made me realise that I’m a great Mum and if you’re reading this and having doubts about your own parenting trust me you’re doing great too. 

Controlling 

This just makes me laugh because I am not in control of anything. My house is a mess, my hairs a mess, I don’t have time to do a full face of makeup anymore! I’m not in control of my own thoughts and actions half the time and I wouldn’t change it for the world. A lot of people seem to think I am in control of my boyfriends brain (if only) the classic ‘under the thumb’ phrase pops up a lot. thanks for the inspiration though I’m going to ask Father Christmas for a personal remote control. 

Hipster c*nt 

My all time favourite. Throughout the years I have experimented with different looks, hair styles, different coloured hair etc etc. I even went through a full on Russel Brand hair phase and looking back it was super strange but funny. And every now and then I’d get a funny look, but this one time some random man shouted “you’re a hipster c*nt” at me. It did shake me up a little but afterwards I got a small high from it, he thought I was that different to everyone else that he wanted to bring me down. I don’t like doing things ‘the normal’ way and my family and friends in a nice way tease me about it. But this is who I am! I’m far too different to be called a hipster that’s the most offensive part thank you! 

Alex xx