Ten things I hate about me 


I like writing lists whether it be for my food shop or for baby names. 

Lists are clear for me to read they are blunt  black and white and I get the message loud and clear. So writing down what I hate about myself is a good reminder for my lil brain of the things of which I could improve. I’ll also be writing ten things I love about myself as you know I’m too fabulous not to. 
Ten things I hate about me 

Yes hates a strong word but this bunch of crap grinds my gears and you know me I like to be dramatic 

1. I’m all or nothing 

There is absolutely NO in between you either get the best of me or the worst. I either give you my all or not give a shit. Once my emotions are turned off there’s nobody home honey bee. 

2. Tactless 

Being honest is good but I over do it. If you’re easily offended (or just a normal level headed average person) don’t ask me if I think you look fat in your outfit because if you do I will tell you so. Annnnnnd ladies & gentlemen that is the reason I no longer work in retail. 

3. Careless 

I take people, things, situations even life for granted. I make rash decisions in a blink of an eye and have no regard of other people’s feelings. 

4. Over confident 

I make Kanye West look like an insecure introvert and sometimes I need to chill the fuck out. 

5. Emotionless 

At times I can be emotionless. From a lot of pain and suffering I’ve experienced I have become a little cold hearted at times and think ‘ugh suck it up babes’ I once eye rolled at somebody getting upset over their hamster passing away. I need to understand that everyone copes differently. 

6. Impatient 

If I want something I want it right here right now. Even within the next hour seems like a drag to me. Hurry. Up. Or. I. Will. Scream. 

7. Unpredictable 

I’m so unpredictable I’m predictable. You never know what’s going to happen with me. You think you’ll receive a punch yet I’ll give you a hug. And on those days you think you’ll get a hug…… 

8. Playing games 

I like playing little psycho games on people not mean ones just ones that’ll make you just a teeny bit mad. With every relationship I’ve had I’ve ordered myself flowers then thanked the person I’m dating/my boyfriend at time sit back and watch them get angry. Muhahahaa. 

9. Addictive personality 

I have such an addictive personality. I can’t just get into a hobby I have to live eat breathe it yes it can be a positive thing but also it can completely take over my life and get a little silly. I also get hooked on certain foods/drinks I was once addicted to Diet Coke and drank 15-20 cans a day. My dentist fucking loves me. 

10. Bored easily 

I get bored of people or things easily and tend to drop them aside as if they were pieces of rubbish. If you’re somebody who’s renowned as “nice” yawn the word nice is a killer bore off I have no time for you. Unless you’re David Bowie, drunk all day , love politics, a hard core feminist or say the word cunt five times during every sentence you’ll probs bore me. With that being said you wouldn’t have been that special to me for me to just walk away. 
Ten things I lurve about me 


And now all the 100 things I love about me! I joke I joke..

1. I’m super creative 

Bitch move out my way I’m about to make your Halloween pumpkin creation look like Donalds Trump’s shitty swept over hair. My imagination is pretty good I come up with the best fairy tale stories to tell the kids. 

2. I am confident in my skin 

I think I’m really good looking I really like my face and I know in this day and age that’s a really controversial/big headed thing to say but I’ll go ahead and say it anyway. I have no time for people crying over how they look everyone should embrace themselves and rock it. And once you start liking the way you look you also become anti jealous and appreciate everyone else’s beauty. I’ll always run up to random girls in nightclub toilets telling them how good they look. 

3. A survivor 

Nothing or nobody can bring me down. Honey I’ve been to hell and back I won’t ever lose sleep over you move out my way. Don’t ever underestimate the things that I can do. 

4. Honest 

At times I can be terribly blunt like I’ve just said. But you know you’ll always get the truth with me. Even if I lie the lie cannot float about for long and I will always be the one to announce it were false. 

5. Good listener/ secret keeper

I am the best secret keeper. I am riddled with the stuff! Honestly the amount of juicy gossip I’ll be taking to my grave would be enough to make a blabber mouth drool. I’ll always spill my own beans I like talking about myself but when a friend comes to me with a secret I will always keep it safe. 

6. Strong intuition 

I honestly think I’m gifted with my intuition I knew I was pregnant each time I didn’t need a pregnancy stick to tell me I also didn’t need the twenty week scan to tell me what the sex of all three children were I knew from the very beginning. I always know when someone doesn’t like me and I always know when someone speaks bad or even good about me. No it’s not paranoia I truly have an over whelming feeling of knowing. There’s no explaining some of the things I somehow know. I don’t need fact or reason to know when someone’s lying to me and when I confront them about it they immediately ask “how did I know?” I’m not sure I just did. 

7. I manage to wing everything 

I somehow manage to wing everything. I could start a random hobby tomorrow and become real good at it very quickly I feel as if I’m a Jack of all trades I seem to just be average at quite a lot of stuff. 

8. I could strike up a conversation with anybody 

I’ll always be the one in the kitchen at a party with a big group of people talking about something lapping up the attention from everyone. I really am good at controlling the vibe of party and getting everybody on board with the conversation. There are no limits with what I can have a talk about from aliens to abortion or depression to taking drugs I’ll talk about the good bad and ugly and you’ll be hooked on my every word. I can become mates with pretty much anybody if I tried.

9. Fuck it attitude 

I tend to just go with the flow and nothing phases me for long. If I want to go ahead and say or do something I’ll just go and do it. Not a lot can put me off and people’s words don’t get me down for long. If I wanna dye my hair bright green I’ll do it, if I want to shave my head I will, if I want to tell someone how I really feel about them I will. If I have a goal in mind I will achieve it. 

10. Seeing the positives in all situations

If life throws you lemons I’ll go make some vodka lemonade. Life can be tough but with every difficult situation a rainbow will appear. My Nan has been through an awful lot this year and is still recovering but because of that my family have become the strongest and closest I’ve ever seen. with bad becomes good my darling keep going. 
Thanks love Alex 

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Past 

For a while I’ve wanted to write about my mental health but often backed out for a number of reasons : my vulnerability, people not understanding why I would want to/think I’m attention seeking or just being treated differently afterwards. 

But today marks 6 years since Amy Winehouse passed away and it’s spurred me on. (Yes I know it was due to years of damage her body had received from drinking and taking drugs) but I believe addiction is fuelled by mental health problems. Recently we were all informed of the tragic news of Chester Bennington who took his own life due to being extremely depressed. A tweet written by Matt Haig really resonated with me:

 “When you’ve gone through depression it’s like a healed wound that’s always there. News of other people’s similar pain picks at the scab.” 

There were lots of other lovely messages on social media but as always a lot of judgement and sour comments on his apparent “decision” to do such a thing. Let’s get one thing straight depression isn’t a choice and suicidal thoughts/actions are most certaintly not a decision you are in total control of. When you are that low there is no rational bone in your body you are a different person it’s almost as if somebody has taken over your soul and mind it’s indescribable. I would know because I have planned out my suicide and failed because I was stopped. Even though I had (at the time) one baby depending on me and a boyfriend who still till this day loves me very much it felt like the right decision to make. I wanted to numb my on going all consuming pain and in that dark mind set suicide felt as if it were the only thing that would numb that. 

You don’t just wake up one day wanting to kill yourself for me it was a slow build up almost like walking up a high hill and when you get to the top you just want to jump off. I always wanted to and took strangely enough some enjoyment out of punishing myself example: self harm. Looking back I can’t quite believe I would get some sort of peace and calm out of cutting myself but I did and my mind had convinced me that it was a good healthy outlet for me. Cutting/or any kind of self harm is not healthy and if you are or if you feel that you might start doing so you can always talk about it with someone if you don’t feel comfortable talking to a relative or friend I don’t mind you messaging me or there is samaratins which is totally anoymous with no judgement involved. Some days I would over eat and feel so sick and bloated and then other days I would only have a Diet Coke and feel weak/hungry all day.

Just to add extra Disneyland-worthy fun to the whole situation I also suffered badly from anxiety admittedly I still every now and then suffer with anxiety but nothing like I used to do. I would wake up every morning after a full nights sleep (pre Rex lol) and yet feel exhausted and drained. I would struggle to get out of bed I felt as if I were glued to my bed and would often make excuses and turn up late to work and on weekends I would lay in bed having panic attacks until 1/2 in afternoon. I didn’t have the energy to get up in the mornings with Florence, Mitch did everything for me and it wasn’t fair on either of them. My anxiety does still play tricks on me but I have learnt my triggers. Certain situations or things such as music, films, or even people will trigger it off but since I’ve stopped communication and not punishing myself by listening to some bits and pieces. I’ve become so much better at controlling it every now and then. I can’t drive because of my anxiety and still get crazy anxious being in any car I’m the worlds worst driver and yet I’ll be telling you to slow down etc when you could be a Lewis Hamilton standard driver. 

My mind loved to play tricks on me I would genuinely think my friends had planned something such as night out or meal when they hadn’t. I would think that people were talking badly about me and if lash out when they weren’t. I would think that my boyfriend didn’t actually love me or wanted to be with me when he did. I put so much strain on friendships and my relationship that I nearly lost everybody. I used to think everybody hated me and that my friends were only my friends because they felt bad for me because I was just a loser and they didn’t have it in them to ditch me. I really did feel like a waste of oxygen someone that didn’t deserve to be alive. The only person that made me happy was Florence and even then I would just feel guilty thinking she deserved a better Mum and a better role model not someone who wanted to die everyday. 

I feel it’s important to speak out about such subjects we all like to think we’ve come so far with mental health issues but I don’t really think that’s the case. People are still being judged or told to “man up” by your everyday person or even by the likes of Piers Morgan who isn’t short of a big following. We have a long way to go and I do feel as if mental health issues is an even darker grey area for men, not in the sense that they suffer worse than women, but because they feel like they can’t speak up or reach out for help as much as us women because of those pesky gender stereotypes of men being the ‘tougher’ sex and all that bollocks. You don’t choose to be depressed and depression doesn’t pick it’s person or gender it just happens. Either that or there has to be another reason because suicide is the biggest killer in men under age 45 in UK. That’s a big problem we have but how can we make that better? I think we start by talking and sharing our stories. So that’s what I’m going to do. Chester Bennington felt like he had no choice and when you get that low you feel stuck so let’s try and not let anybody else get to that place I think talking out loud, writing, reading about our struggles could make the world a better place. 

I want to write out a couple more posts based on the present and future goals I have for my mental health. I have come a long way and I’m super proud but getting here took a long time 7 years roughly. My mind set has shifted from “I need to beat depression” to “this is how I’m going to cope with my depression” and so far so good. I think I will always have depression lurking over my shoulders and I most deffo go through waves of it because that’s the type of depression that I have but with medication and eating better, exercising and talking/listening to my body more I’ve felt the best I have in years. 

I want to thank my boyfriend Mitchell for always being my rock and being patient there were things you had to do and see that I wish you hadn’t. I always thought my depression was going to take you away from me but we have both come out stronger something I never thought would be possible. Thank you for loving me and not giving up on me. 

People are not attention seeking for committing suicide 

People are not too stupid for committing suicide 

People are not selfish for committing suicide 

People who commit suicide have struggled their low for too long and can’t see a way out. 

Stop with your judgements and then things might change. 

Thanks x 

My Parisian lifestyle 

 

I was French in a past life. Do not tell me otherwise do not destroy my hopes and dreams. 

The food, the clothes, the natural beauty, Coco Chanel, DISNEY LAND need I say more?! I’m even a huge fan of snails and frogs legs…. I mean come on you know you’re an iconic country if you can get people to actually eat snails and frogs legs. 

Now don’t get me wrong most people will know I love London that city will always have a special place in my heart and I will through gritted teeth say it’s my “favourite city” but really we all know I’m massively lying as there’s no place like Paris. Growing up myself and my family have always adored France and appreciated it’s beauty, culture and lifestyle. I have been to many places across France it’s always been a pleasant visit for me I find it truly so beautiful and inspiring. 

For me Paris has always been the most fashionable place on earth. Go on and try to tell me where else in the world women could just roll out of bed whip up their hair into a messy bun throw on a white shirt and jeans and look like supermodels NO WHERE. The French have it all and the reason I love them so much is I truly don’t think they know how effortlessly beautiful they are. 

I think we could all learn a thing or two about their minimalist lifestyle. Each to their own but I find women tend to over do their faces, hair and outfits too much over here. We tend to not have the confidence to be our natural beautiful selves. This year I decided to go ahead and practise what I’ve been preaching I dyed my hair my natural colour (I’m now letting my hair just naturally grow out) I wear no makeup most days just a little mascara every now and then and if I’m heading out somewhere I’ll whack on some red YSL lippy. 

I’ve sold a LOT of clothes on my depop link :  https://www.depop.com/alexrg123

I really have transformed my wardrobe to simplistic yet stylish pieces. And the saying  ‘less is more’ has become my life moto. 

 I no longer chase after trends I’m more focussed on statement pieces and having things that will match up with the rest of my look. We live in this fast paced fast fashion world and I do believe (without getting really deep) it is damaging for our mental health and also our bank accounts! Continuously chasing after looks we see celebrities parade around in which will give us a fast fix to feel good then within a week or two we are bored of that look and then off we go and purchase a new outfit. I didn’t want to live like that anymore and to be frank I couldn’t afford to either. Since cutting back on buying clothes I actually feel a lot better in myself and when I do buy something for myself I feel good about it and it’s a more wholesome feeling knowing I will re use/ re wear until it’s worn out. 

One of my favourite books which is permanently on my bed side table is ‘How to be Parisian wherever you are’  It’s witty and easy to read it has all you need to know about the Parisian culture and tips on fashion. It is my style bible because I could relate to a lot of the things these fabulous French women were saying.  I mean of course.. I was once French. 

I have become so much more confident in myself since stripping back on makeup. I love the fact that my freckles are on constant show and even weirdly like my blemishes and occasional blackhead being visible. I’ve fallen in love with myself. I know sounds super Narcisitic but I don’t give a shit. 

My biggest insecurity was always my eye lashes because they are very short and faint I’ve had ex boyfriends tell me I look so much worse without mascara on and I’ve had a few of my mates take piss out of me calling me a panda because without my (once) spider legged eye lashes I looked naked and weird. But now people are just used to me being like this and don’t expect anything else. I’ve taken the best/ most banging selfies since stripping back and I love it. 

If you want to whack a load of makeup on your chops then do it you have to do you but if actually you feel like you almost have to you really don’t need to. We are all beautiful in our own way and we should learn to admire our beauty as much as we admire others. Learn to appreciate what Mother Nature gave you learn your angles (for those banging selfies) and WERK girl. 

Love Alex 
Xx


Knocked up part 3

 

Every now and then I have to stop for a second as I take a moment to recover from this stretching ache I get around my tummy and then remember ‘oh shit yeah I’m preggers’.

I keep forgetting I’m pregnant. Probably because I have two terrors I’m constantly running after. People love to talk about this so called ‘second child syndrome’ but I don’t think that’ll be the case it’s going to be tougher for this little one she will be so independent because I will have clingy mummy boy Rex wanting me every five minutes. 

I do feel extremely guilty (when do mums not feel that way) as it’s my third pregnancy and all I am of course happy and looking forward to meeting her for the first time but with such things like the scan and feeling her move for first time I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would’ve been. I know that sounds terrible and I know I will love her to the moon and back but once you know what’s happening it almost becomes a standard routine! Especially because Rex came along not so long ago I guess I’m just used to being preggers. 

This pregnancy (apart from few scares at beginning) has been pretty straight forward I’m only a little bit tired which is what all parents are. I’m not as huge as I was with Flops or Rex I’m more of a Kourtney Kardashian preggers not a Kim K preggers this time which is fab. 

I can’t help but think maybe I’m in denial? Is this really my last pregnancy? Is my intuition trying to tell me something? Who knows. I never like saying such things as “I’m never doing this” or “no that’s it now” because nobody knows what’s around the corner but I won’t be planning for a fourth child anytime soon I think Mitch would have a heart attack. 

My top 5 favourite things about being pregnant : 

1. You can eat what you want : Look you can focus on shifting the weight once baba is here so follow your gut (quite literally) and eat what you want. This list is written in random obviously this isn’t the most exciting thing about pregnancy…or..is it. 

2. You get that glow : to be honest with you I only got that good skin glow with Rex. The whole old wives tale with “girls stealing your beauty” thing is actually the case for me because I look rough this time round. But maybe for you that’s not the case so make the most of your flawless skin. 

3 massive tits : You get huge boobs which are nicely defined. Admittedly this soon loses its novelty when your belly gets bigger and you’re hot, fed up and bored of being preggo but for the early days eat your heart out Pamela. 

4 that first kick : Nothing like your baby giving you a cute shove to say “hello mumma” it’s nice to know they’re moving about and being happy in there and also gives you a sense of them being present and aware of life it’s self. 

5 Embracing your body : For me at first getting bigger and having my legs rub together while I walked really got me down. But there comes a little bit of random self confidence knowing your body can do such incredible things as bringing a human being into the world. Not everyone gets to do this and the love you have for your child is far more superior than a perfect body because really there is no such thing. 

And now the WORST bits about being Preggers. 

1 That sickness : ugh it’s the worst. One minute you feel absolutely fine the next you feel like you’re in some kind of mosh pit in the middle of the sea. So grim so bad. 

2 Tiredness : being a parent is tough tiring work but that and being pregnant is one sick joke. I could nap for 100 years. The tale of Sleeping beauty once seemed very scary to me and now the idea of being asleep that long seems like one big slice of heaven. 

3 Hormones : One minute you’re Yoko Ono vibes the next Gordon Ramsey pissed off in his kitchen vibes. It’s uncontrollable. My advice to men/non expecting is keep clear especially when a pregnant woman is hungry. You’ve been warned. 

4 The crazy cravings : When a pregnant woman has a good craving you must fetch for it right away. It’s the law or else there will be hell to pay. Some of the weird shit you want to eat will haunt you for the rest of your days. With my first pregnancy I craved corn flakes with pickled onion bobbing about in the milk. Grim. 

5 The aftermath : Recovering from giving birth is an emotional rollercoaster. It’s great to have your baby finally in your arms. Not so great when your confidence is low and you aren’t feeling yourself with your body one bit. Your brain is going into over drive you ask yourself questions such as “Am I doing the right thing?” Or “Will my body ever be the same?” Truth is unless you are some magical celebrity unicorn or massively rich I doubt you’ll be exactly the same but who cares this is your body eat healthily work out when you can and you’ll feel better about yourself. You have to work with what Mother Nature gave you. We all have good and bad bits we like about ourselves but you have to give yourself a huge pat on back your body’s been through 9 months of hell its made a human being inside your stomach I mean come on miracle worthy shit. Be proud of yourself and don’t get yourself down about it we are all in the same boat. I promise. 
Love Alex. X 

A list of people you ought to say “Fuck off” to more often. 

 
FUCK. My third favourite F word which falls shortly after Florence and Feminism. 

If there were anything I could tell my younger self it would be to “tell them to fuck off” more often. I doubt these sorts of naughty ferrets would get the hint by telling them to do so but it’s always enjoyable doing just that.

 So here’s my list of top five people you ought to tell….. oh you know you get the idea by now:  

1. Those who tell you you can’t live out your dreams : There will be lots of people who unfortunately stumble into your life telling you either bluntly or in little separate put downs that you ‘can’t’ achieve what ever it is you want to go out and get. Do NOT listen to them they are sad individuals who didn’t have the guts to go out and grab their dreams. They are confused and jealous by your drive and determination give them a wave at your finish line. 
2. Those who make you feel unloveable : We are all complexed human beings but each and everyone of us have something special to offer to this crazy world but with that being said we all make mistakes (some a lot bigger than others) and it may sometimes take time to reflect and learn from your mistakes but the good and the bad in your life mould and define the person you are meant to become : one strong motherfucker. So don’t let the little ferrets grind you down teach them how to love themselves. For every one person who can’t stand you five people LOVE you. That’s a legit scientific fact. 

3. The condescending one : No Jeremy you don’t know everything about everything nobody does so get off of your imaginary thrown and stop judging me before I give you something to judge me about. Don’t you hate those ‘know it all’ types the ones that butt in mid sentence and correct you on your speech or what perhaps “you actually meant” nah babe I meant to say that because that’s what I believe so before I walk off do us a favour yeah fuck off. 

4. The ‘It’s not my fault it’s yours’ person: Those little ferrets that ought to get their heads checked out then come back down to the real world. I mean cmon we alllll fuck up everyone here has a long list of silly (maybe at the time made sense) things we wish we hadn’t done but there’s always one bastard who can’t admit to doing wrong or see the wrong in their actions OR even worse think their wrong doings are justified by another persons wrongful  actions. Two wrongs don’t make a right babe. ‘ I called them a nasty name because they’re not a very nice person  ‘ or ‘It doesn’t matter that I did that terrible thing because I’ve had ten times worse done to me’ doesn’t work in the real sane world babe jog on. 

5. The grudge holders : YAWN the word ‘grudge’ even bores me. It sounds like a type of pig the dirty fat kind. Aren’t we all sick and tired of hearing that one ‘friend’ who moans about somebody who upset their feelings 17 years ago. Or the psycho girlfriend who doesn’t let their boyfriend speak to friends who he had a slight fling with back in 2002. Huuuunnnnn it makes you look TRAGIC and quite frankly very dull go get yourself a hobby or shove a hobnob in your gob because nobody cares! 

So there you have it the suspense is over. I could probably write ten more but I wouldn’t want my cuppa getting cold. Bye bye. 

Love Alex