Things I will pass on to my Children.

There are some things better left unsaid but I will go ahead and say them anyway you should know me by now the embarrassing Mum who has no filter, The mum who storms up to your drama teacher and asks why you haven’t got the lead part and the Mum who tells your friend she looks ‘a little tacky’ before you head out for drinks. This of course hasn’t happened yet but we all know it will. Here are a few rambles I will pass on to my three piglets.

Do as I say not as I do Kiddiwinkles you won’t realise it or believe it yet but Mothers are always right it’s annoying and unfair and I remember being told by your nanny that the boy I really liked at the time wasn’t that interested in me and only wanted to sleep with me and she was absolutely right. So when I tell you.. I mean offer my advice.. please do listen as blunt and horrid as it may come across it is because I care so deeply about you.

All Mothers have magical powers It’s like we can see into the future just like the time I woke up whilst Rex was climbing out of his cot bed so quietly you could hear a pin drop and yet there I was catching him before he hit the floor pure MAGIC.
I hate to say it and as controversial as it may be it’s the reality the advice I give to all three of you will be different because two of you are girls. Boys face a hell of a lot of stigma when it comes to gender stereotypes and they are told not to cry/man up etc which is a load of bollocks and Mumma is always here for a shoulder to cry on (all of you but especially Rex) But Girls as you may have already figured out you are treated differently by Teachers, Adults and fellow peers because of your gender lemme tell you why : Because being a girl is a fucking pleasure.

Girls don’t ever chase after boys NEVER ever that shit is lame. That’s rule number one and It is a strict rule besides you should be concentrating on your school work. (do as I say not as I do)
Don’t worry about not having big boobs yet they are totally overrated and once you have them you’ll fantasise about being injected with Anaesthetic and having them chopped off. Periods are a bitch but don’t be that annoying girl who whines about them every five seconds and takes days off for them you are powerful and strong and you can take them on. Real friends are so important treat them like family once you get a little older you will realise that you can count on one hand who your real trusting friends are. And there will always be that ONE pretend friend that you cant stand, be mature and step away life is too short to be fake. And do not be petty online we have all done it but it’s embarrassing and I’ve made you better than that.

Rex always treat your girlfriend/boyfriend (ya never know) with respect. I’m hoping by now you’ve figured out how strong and precious women are by living with three of them and also one day find someone with integrity and depth just like your sisters are.
I cannot lie you are my precious baby boy and I hate myself for saying this but I will always dislike your partner they could be a noble prize winning Victoria secret model and I would still think you could do better. Ok Ok I just read that out loud and its so bad I want to punch myself in the face I just want you to be happy I promise that’s all.

There will always no matter what be one person you want so badly but you can’t have there’s no explaining it you are absolutely scrumptious and divine nothing at all wrong with you but you’ll have to accept it and move on with grace of course. Again do as I say…..

Experience heart break so bad you don’t want to leave your room for days cry a whole entire ocean because it will make you a stronger person. Say stupid things and then regret them because that is how you learn lessons. Do things that make you so uncomfortable you want to shit your pants you’ll look back on it and feel so proud of yourselves. Go to the places you’ve always wanted to see and take lots of selfies so I can hang them on the fridge. I just want all three of you to live to feel and care so deeply that by the time your time is up you are relieved with joy and tired out.

All three of you will fail at something once or twice in your lives pick yourselves up your time will come. If you are trying your best that’s all I will ever care about. I want you to find a passion something you love so much that makes you tick, the first thing you think of when you wake and the last at night then you’ve found it.
Do not compare yourselves with anyone there will always be someone better than you at something I know that’s such a shitty saying and I’m still pissed you didn’t get that lead part but it is true. With that being said you all three of you will be better at something else which someone out there will be incredibly jealous of.

When people insult you listen to their words not because what they say is fact but because that’s how they view and see the world that is their own bundle of insecurities a real insight to what they are all about, process the words have a think about it and ask yourselves if you really need that person in your life? LIFE HACK : NO.
You receive what you put out into the world the saying ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ is so bang on and still my favourite saying because you can get a rough idea of what someone is like and what they are about by looking at the people they associate themselves with.

And lastly for me please promise me you will always love each other. You guys are best friends and you have to always stick together. I know there will be days you want to scream and strangle each other but just remember you can’t keep up with the Kardashians in prison so keep your calm. I love all three of you immensely.

Your Mumma x

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Honesty is the best policy

Tuesday morning BBC breaking news was on our TV screen delivering the tragic news of the Manchester terror attack. Florence quietly walked into the lounge read the harrowing words on the screen then started to ask me some really difficult questions, such as – “Mummy why did a person bomb people” and “my nanny and Auntie Ellice are safe aren’t they?” which I quickly replied “yes they are both safe and nothing has happened to them”. I paused for a second whilst my brain went into over drive mode I thought do I tell her the truth? how much of the truth should I tell her? and as if my mouth had a remote control of it’s own (my theory and excuse for many situations in the past) I just blurted out very bluntly “yes a man bombed these people he was a very bad man but these things never usually happen and that’s why the whole country is in shock” to then she replied “Ok can I have my Moana cereal?”

At first I thought well is that it? you heartless prune! I started pouring her cereal into bowl and my brain went into it’s over drive/over analysing mode again which made me realise why she was very accepting and quick over such sad news – Because she knew I was telling the truth and she had received the facts.

I find parents tend to over think and confuse difficult situations like that. You might be the parent who doesn’t feel comfortable enough discussing such things or maybe you feel as if they’re simply too young, but what I’ve managed to work out with Florence is honesty is the best policy.

Here are my top five awkward/cringe festival/kill me now topics I have had the pleasure of discussing with Florence the questioning Queen.

1. “How did the baby get in your tummy”

Yep what a classic! that question us parents are all faced with. Many parents lie about this there’s the ‘The baby came from a seed’ or ‘Mummy drank a magic potion’ Or the ‘It comes from your belly button’ or the good old vintage method ‘A stalk delivered the baby to Mummy’
Only the likes of Victoria Beckham will get away with the third answer they are all super unrealistic and you’re running out of time until another child tells them the truth or worse they walk in on you doing the dirty. When Florence asked me this Question I was pregnant with Rex, again I wasn’t sure how much truth to tell her so I bought a funny children’s book called ‘Where’s Willy’ the sperm equivalent to Where’s Wally?.
The book was VERY detailed but friendly and informative for children and after we read through the book together she didn’t ask me any other questions nor did she seem that phased.

2. “What happens when people die?”

Now even though this one breaks my heart the most I have managed to wing this subject as Florence is a Christian she fully believes in going to heaven (which is fine and I support her beliefs) She first asked me this question a couple of years ago and I admit my explanation clearly wasn’t good enough or detailed enough as she kept asking more and more related questions. If you are going to tell your child they are going to heaven then think of what answer you’re going to give when they then ask “but why do their bodies get buried in ground then” because 9 times out of ten they will! I just said it’s your soul that travels to Heaven and your body stays in the ground so your family can send you messages and love from Earth.

3. “Why has that little girl got no legs?”

We were at the park one day in Exmouth and a little girl came along in her wheelchair and watched the children she was accompanied with play on the swings. I could see Florence’s eyes fixated on the little girl in her wheelchair she slowly noticed she didn’t have any legs. She then did the quickest 180 degree turn quicker than those orange glittery dancers on strictly come dancing and ran over to me halted and blurted “Why has that little girl got no legs?” at first I said I don’t know I don’t know her it could be many reasons which led us onto our next exciting question “so I might not have legs one day” – “Gosh no course not” I said “unfortunately some people are either born that way or you get into accidents but mummy and daddy and your whole family will protect you and we will do our best nothing like that happens” “ok bye I’m going on the slide” and that was that.

4. “Why are children starving in some countries?”

You can’t sit down on your sofa and relax with a cuppa tea these days without having those heart wrenching adverts on TV asking you to donate to a child in Africa as they do not have access to clean water or much food. Even on Disney channel these adverts pop up every 2-3 adverts no exaggeration so there’s no getting away from it. Explaining to your child that a lot of children like her/him are struggling to eat or drink is hard because they relate to other children and they don’t understand as all they have to do is shout ‘MUMMY CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF MILK AND A SANDWICH?!’ and boom there it is right in front of them. I try to look at positives of every situation and as sad and one sided as it may be they will walk away feeling lucky and blessed with their lives realising it could be a lot worse. Florence once wrote in her school book when asked what her Christmas wish was? ‘That all children in the world get a present’ and that made me feel like the richest person in the world.

5. “Why do people ignore the homeless people?”

We are forever telling our kids that there is so much good in the world which weighs out the bad but when these sort of questions are asked you cannot help but have little roots of doubt spurting out of your brain. It’s true we are so busy rush rush rushing to school rushing to work rushing to catch train or bus or to get to car in time as parking ticket about to run out that we forget there are people who do not have homes to go home to actual human beings on pathways or huddling under shop door ways to try and get out of the rain.  Yes I know we can’t stop and have a talk or give money/food to every homeless person we see as unfortunately the number of homeless is on the rise and there are so many scattered amongst town hoping to make a bit of money for food or maybe drugs to numb their pain. But I do try to smile or ask how someone is doing every now and then especially in front of my children to show them they must have empathy and to be kind because when you grow up you realise being intelligent or having a lot of money is actually jack shit if you don’t have that backed up with kindness and integrity.

For me personally I don’t want my children getting to a certain age and being hit with the harsh reality and also realising I was bullshiting them. I have always vowed to be totally honest with my kids about things such as drugs, sex, religion, feminism, rape, murder, relationships absolutely everything because I want them to come to me with their problems or thoughts and know they can rely on me not to lie or judge because Hey I am in NO position to judge anyone! but then again…who is?

BUT there are the exceptions…

Father Christmas – Yes you gotta lie lie lie and take those lies to the grave with you because who wants that magic to end? not me.

Tooth Fairy – Yep that creepy stalker that flies into your room at night and takes your tooth that just came out of your mouth EWW is real! now pay up.

Disney characters at Disney world/Disney Land – I was recently outraged when Florence turned to me and said “I know they are just people in costumes” when we were talking about the princesses we are going to see this year at Disney my reaction was : “HOW DARE YOU I! How do you think sleeping beauty gets her hair so shiny then?” to which she replied with such sassy confidence “Duh a wig” I muttered something rude under my breath and I have never brought up the conversation again because out of everything that’s going on in the world out of all the mega super duper important things going on in our crazy universe these little things upset me most because they are reminders that my baby girl is growing up and even though I’m 100% ready to be honest about difficult questions I’m not ready for her to grow up yet.

Love Alex

Relationships post having children

I’m not going to lie, I’m a total diva when I’m pregnant. I am the WORST my hormones make Mariah Carey look like one of those pointless but cute miniature fluffy chicks you buy your kids at Easter (harmless and sweet). So who can blame Mitch for finding me difficult during and just after having a baby I certainly can’t.

Things do dramatically change after having a baby together. Your spooning in bed and pillow talk sessions turn into rock paper scissor battles to see who will get up and tend to your screaming baby to do the next night feed.

All of this became a bit of a shock and struggle for Mitch which he honourably admits, even I found it difficult having our Son Rex (my second child Mitch’s first) I was able to have a rest every other weekend with Florence as she was at her dads and at times I felt like one of those real housewives of where ever the hell they live that have fifteen nannies and don’t do so much of the hands on stuff. But I also loved spending two solid days with Mitch being totally lazy eating dominoes pizza for breakfast and not getting out of bed until 12 sometimes *sigh* a moment of silence please to remember those good times. We had that luxury but it’s not real life if you are a parent. Those days are long gone but we honestly wouldn’t change it for the world (ok maybe once every couple of months wouldn’t be so bad?)

I concentrated so much on how I felt during my second pregnancy that I didn’t stop and think about how Mitch was feeling or what he was thinking don’t get me wrong ladies I know we are the ones doing the hard work the ones making our little hot cross buns in our ovens but men do have concerns and anxieties through the whole process too. I think we live in a society where people just expect men to be super masculine and not cry or show any form of emotion. But that’s just so damaging and simply unrealistic, As soon as Rex was born Mitch was of course happy but he didn’t really show me a lot of emotion and for him to be like that was out of character I knew something was up.

I know my boyfriend better than I know myself we’ve known each other since the tender age of 13. A lots changed since then for example he’s grown he used to be half the size of me with a face full of acne whilst hobbling along on crutches. some things haven’t changed though he’s always had a gob on him he once started on a group of builders for wolf whistling at me like really dude you’re 13 on crutches.

Like most things in life there’s good and bad bits with relationships and things become more serious and tricky with children you have to plan your weekends around your mini humans instead of spending an afternoon down your local followed by a takeaway you usually end up in a soft play area shouting over a coffee table struggling to get a word in edge ways with zombie like children on speed boisterously throwing themselves about knocking over the shitty version of slush puppy you just spent your last fiver on over.
At times you might get scared at the thought of your relationship not working out because of the lack of quality time spent together things become such fast paced with kids I genuinely thought Wednesday was Monday this week it was manic! but moments such as sitting on sofa with a cuppa catching up on each other’s day makes the world of difference. Once these changes become your reality and you accept them you soon realise the love you have for each other wont be going anywhere anytime soon. Even with your post baby body doubts and your mood swings they love you immensely and they are your (lucky) best friend.

Love Alex

 

xx

 

 

 

Ain’t nobody got time for MJ

Being a mum is really tough so give yourselves a pat on the back and a glass of wine if you are one! You are in charge of bringing up a human being, an actual real life mini person, all whilst trying not to swear and enduring painful episodes of Peppa pig.

We all have our moments of self doubt and worry as well as those days when you think to yourself ‘WHY did I want to do this’ or ‘am I a shitty parent?’ Then you put your kids to sleep, watch them for a moment and it all makes sense.

With all that being said there seems to be this bad vibe, this feeling which lurks around every corner that kind of feeling that hits you hard in the gut and doesn’t disappear all day and makes it difficult to sleep at night I’m talking about MJ short for MUM JUDGEMENT  dun dun duunnnnn!

Mum judgement is everywhere! At your local co-op, in the playground even unfortunately sometimes among your own family members.

Don’t get me wrong I’m guilty of judging a parent or four but that was until I was judged and I now know how it feels… pretty SHIT!
Only recently I was approached by a woman whilst food shopping she said to me “you are going to serve veg with that pizza aren’t you?” I replied “of course I am” – that was a total lie (its bad enough people put sweetcorn and pineapple on their pizzas; weirdos!) but I wanted that rude random situation to end quick.

In my head I told her to ‘fuck off’ and it felt good but not good enough as I was feeling like a failure for the rest of my day looking over my shoulder every 10 minutes waiting to be arrested by Jamie Oilver.

So to prove how pointless MJ is I’ve decided to write a few examples of the kind of stuff I used to judge mums for but now realise how silly and closed minded I was being :

> PTA mums.. yup I used to think those sort of mums were goodie two shoes / total bores with nothing better to do with their lives and were clearly not getting any at home. This is completely FALSE and couldn’t be further from the truth they’re some of the nicest people I’ve ever met and they just care about their children and the school! Building a good community for the families of those who go to the school, and well, I’m sure they are getting some at home but I haven’t asked any PTA mums that question yet but stay tuned.

> Stay at home mums.. this ones hilarious because now I am in fact a stay at home mum. I used to think they were lazy and it used to grind my gears when they would complain about how hard their day was whilst I was at work full time wishing I could spend more time with my daughter. There is no difference in terms of difficulty when comparing Full time mums and working mums there are good and bad bits to both but one things for sure neither are easy!! I spend my day crawling around the floor picking up wotsits whilst asking my non responsive one year old if he’s done a ‘poopy’ sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to an adult and for anyone that gets draining. You have to remind yourself being a mum doesn’t totally define you and you are still your own person and that’s the one thing I didn’t have to do whilst going to work every day.

> Co-sleeping mums.. I used to HATE these kind of mums again until I became one of them! (FYI I’m feeling like a twat right now) I thought parents that co-slept again were just being pure lazy and didn’t have a back bone to put their crying babies down in their own bed. Rex used to sleep on me everyday for four months and people would tell me to stop it that it was dangerous for him and a bad habit to get into. I loved it I still don’t know till this day if that was selfish of me or not but I loved the bond we had and yes of course that wasn’t just because of the co-sleeping but I simply enjoyed him being close. It was easier for me to breastfeed and he slept longer because of it. I waited until he was confident enough to stop so when I hear of children up to the ages of 3-7 sleeping in their parents beds I don’t judge at all. It is the normal in many places of the world for a family to share the same room and bed, children just want to feel safe and there’s nothing wrong with that! If there’s thunder and lightening one night you can bet I’ll be sat upright in bed waiting to welcome my little piglets to jump in and snuggle in my bed. (Sorry Mitch, you’re on the sofa)

For someone who fell pregnant so young I had such gigantic opinions on peoples parenting it was toxic but I know now it was because deep down I was insecure and feeling inadequate myself. I had a lot of judgement cast upon me being preggers at 18 as you could probably imagine but jokes on them because not only is Florence a clever cookie she makes Kate Moss look pretty average looking.
For a long time I didn’t have the confidence within to feel like a real mum being so young I felt like Florence’s older sister at times and she seemed to bond better with nursery carers at times which made me feel like an empty Tesco bag.
Now I’m 25 a little older but still a young mum I look back and realise how crazy far we’ve come and how much we have both grown as people. when I see 18/19 year olds having babies my heart sinks a little not because I feel bad for them but I feel bad for those who will judge them not realising how much hurt and damage they could cause. I will always have a soft spot for young mums I’m biased but I think they are the best! I mean… do you not realise how DIFFICULT it was for me to cut up my Topshop store card answer: HARD !!

Once you feel confident within yourself, as cheesy as it sounds, good thoughts will come flying out of your brain and you’ll see things for how they really are that people are trying they are trying their best riding this crazy fucked up rollercoaster called parenthood that makes us feel queasy at times but in the end we realise things aren’t that bad and we all want to stay on.
We are all in the same boat so we should all support each other. I love it when a mum is open and honest with you and shares a story about her child being a brat it makes you feel so much better about your parenting and reassures you that your kid isn’t an alien.
If you know a great mum tell her she’s doing great because that really will stay with her for the rest of her days! if you are reading this and you are a mum YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!

love Alex